Margaret: Greetings and salutations to the DVR crowd!
Anne Marie: A Great and Gracious Good Evening to you all!
Margaret: Since the Emmys (or as I like to think of them, Oscar’s annoying younger cousin) are about as bloated as televised award shows get, and since NBC made the baffling decision to begin the telecast at 4:30pm on a Monday, we come to you with a three hour time-delay courtesy of a DVR
Anne Marie: …and a lot of wine. I hope you haven’t gotten your fill of Emmy coverage yet, because we are gonna be going all night long!
Margaret: Or, realistically, an hour and a half since we’re skipping commercial breaks.
Anne Marie: There are advantages to DVRing live events. Let me attempt to remember how to work the 4 remote controls my roommate has for the TV, and we’ll get under way shortly. Ready, set, GO!
Anne Marie: Seth looks good in a tux. It’s an awards show requirement.
Margaret: Oh, an MTV music video joke! How cutting-edge!
Anne Marie: “Jokes are like nominees. They can’t all be winners.” Already pulling out the recovery jokes.
Anne Marie: NEVER MIND he won me over with the controversy joke. If there’s something we hate at Team Experience, it’s category fraud.
Anne Marie: HBO has 99 nominations but a situation comedy ain’t one.
Margaret: I wish Jim Parsons was less adorable. I hate The Big Bang Theory with a virulent passion but Jim Parsons is utterly charming, damn him. Mayim Bialik, behind him, is wearing the most immense gown. She looks like she should be sitting serenely atop a toilet paper roll in my grandma’s bathroom.
Anne Marie: I’m mostly silent because this is a pretty good opening monologue.
Anne Marie: Margaret and I just both yelled “YES” when “Beyonce” was announced. (Love Amy Poehler)
Margaret: First-time awards show hosts take note: if you want to finish strong with your monologue, hand it off to Amy Poehler.
Margaret: Now for the first award of the night, for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. I want Andre Braugher to win for his superlative work on Brooklyn-99 but because the Emmys live to disappoint me I know he won’t.
Margaret: Modern Family is poop and so are the Emmys. I’m going to go cry into this gif.
Anne Marie: D’awwwwww *sniffle* This better not be a pattern. This is one of the only times OINTB isn’t against Modern Family, and I’m worried that category fraud is going to work against Jenji Kohan’s little prison dramedy since the Emmys inexplicably love this show.
Margaret: Pray for the Litchfield ladies. Category, ah, confusion aside, OITNB deserves these waaayyyy more than Modern Family does.
Anne Marie: First commercial break! This is why we have a DVR. FAST FORWARD!
Anne Marie: One thing I will say: love the promotion of three lady-driven cop shows in the commercials!
Margaret: Zooey Deschanel finally picked a new gown silhouette! Somebody call a medic, I think I’m in shock.
Anne Marie: Emmy for Comedy Series Writing goes to Louis CK. I should watch more of it. But also Veep & Silicon Valley are really good and deserve more of a shot.
Margaret: Orange is the New Black‘s pilot was one of the greatest episodes of TV I’ve seen and Louie is great but grump grump grump grump. I knew from the beginning I would need to steel myself for disappointment, but I’m finding it challenging nonetheless.
Anne Marie: I agree with Kimmel. The McConnaissance is over (and hard to spell).
Margaret: Kate McKinnon will never win. BUT SHE SHOULD.
Anne Marie: Am I the only one weirdly attracted to McKinnon as Bieber on SNL? #LesbiansWhoLookLikeJustinBieber
Margaret: That said, I can never be mad when Allison Janney wins something. And the Emmys like nothing more than repeating themselves, so since she’s a winner many times over, it makes sense she’s take a statue home again.
Anne Marie: Still don’t love the dress. Looks like a twisted gymnastics leotard. But YAY ALLISON JANNEY who I met in a bar once and definitely did not fangirl out over and develop a sudden speech impediment while attempting to speak to. DEFINITELY.
Anne Marie: We stopped for one commercial because RICKY GERVAIS ON ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK.
Anne Marie: Oh and I forgot to say our friend Drew (my roommate) actually was an editor on the behind-the-scenes footage which I did not watch because 4:30 ON A MONDAY. WHAT THE HELL NBC.
Anne Marie: HOT DAMN UZO!! That is a fucking drop dead gorgeous red dress. A+++
Margaret: Okay, I promise I’m not being mean, but I have never been able to accurately remember Hayden (Google tells me it’s Panettiere?)’s last name, so I always called her Hayden Planetarium. She’s currently enormously pregnant, and now I feel sort of bad about that.
Anne Marie: But now she looks like a Planetarium…
Anne Marie: MODERN FAMILY DOES NOT DESERVE THIS BEST COMEDY DIRECTOR WIN. #JusticeforJodie
Margaret: UGH. SERIOUSLY. If the Oscar-loving Emmys can’t get over their Modern Family boner long enough to reward Jodie Effing Foster, than there may well be no hope in other categories. This is going to be a very frustrating night.
Anne Marie: Cute speech though. I would choose Natasha Lyonne’s eyes to gaze into instead of Matthew McConnaissance, but that’s a personal choice.
Anne Marie: The joke is that nobody in NYC cares about the Emmys, but nobody really cares in LA either. Because. They’re. On. Monday.
Margaret: Nobody has ever been more charming while yelling at people than Billy Eichner.
Anne Marie: Brian Cranston’s mustache though.
Margaret: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BRYAN CRANSTON’S STACHE. He’s like a 21st century Errol Flynn!
Anne Marie: I wish The Big Bang Theory would stop winning things. It’s already got a gigantic network audience. We don’t have to pretend it’s original, funny, or as exciting as the rest of the options in the category. Jim Parsons is a charming winner though.
Margaret: Damnit, there Jim Parsons goes again being impossible to hate. STOP IT JIM. YOU ARE TOO GRACIOUS AND CHARMING.
Anne Marie: Commercial!
Anne Marie: Side note: This entire enterprise would be so much easier if I could code well enough to use the WordPress plugin. Anybody want to teach me how to code?
Anne Marie: Lena Dunham looks like a Rainbow Brite reject.
Margaret: Best Lead Actress in a Comedy – I know JLD will take this again, and that’s fair, but SOMEDAY, Amy Poehler needs an Emmy.
Anne Marie: JLD’s Best Comedy Actress win is the first I’m actually happy to see.
Margaret: YEP, juuuust like Errol Flynn
Anne Marie: Yeah, Cranston just laid one on her in high heroic style!
Anne Marie: I’mma get a drink while the Reality Show Emmy happens. (Great Race wins).
Margaret: “This is the Show’s 10th win in this category” I feel like we’ll be hearing that plenty tonight. This feels like a strong night for repeats.
Anne Marie: We’re eating ice cream during the Q&A bit because DVR!
Margaret: I’m always here for a break for bits from the Friends of SNL crew.
Anne Marie: Best Writing for a miniseries goes to Stephen Moffat. I have strong feelings about Moffat’s terrible cardboard female characters and general shoddy Shyamalan-style writing on Doctor Who, HOWEVER Sherlock has been pretty good and he needs one of these bloody awards so okay fine, Moffat. You get this. But I still won’t forgive you for Irene Adler.
Margaret: You’re not alone. Methinks it’s going to be a dark night on Tumblr in #stevenmoffat tag
Anne Marie: KATHY BATES IS AMAZING AND DESERVES THIS WIN I love this category. Bates AND Bassett AND Roberts AND Burstein!!!
Margaret: Great to see someone looking genuinely surprised to win an Emmy, even if it’s perennial prize-winner Kathy Bates.
Anne Marie: When Kathy shook the Emmy I noticed some writing on the bottom of it. Does anyone know what is written on the underside of the award?
Anne Marie: Colbert is committing to this imaginary friend bit the way Clint Eastwood committed to the Imaginary Obama on the stool at the Republican National Convention.
Margaret: I’ve gotta say, it’s a nice jolt of pure weird into a show that’s already more than a little stale. Bless you, Colbert, for at least interrupting the flow.
Anne Marie: Yay Martin Freeman won something! (Best Supporting Actor in a miniseries)
Margaret: Matt Bomer is extolling the virtues of Ryan Murphy’s direction, and y’know, feelings though I have about Ryan Murphy, I feel like I would believe anything that came out of Matt Bomer’s mouth. Such a chronic case of the Handsomes that man has.
Anne Marie: Yay Fargo won another thing! A directing thing!
Margaret: YER DARN TOOTIN’ IT DID.
Anne Marie: Whenever I see Amy Poehler onstage at an awards show I automatically miss Tina Fey.
Margaret: At least we’re guaranteed an elevated level of funny for the duration of her stage stay.
Anne Marie: THEY’RE WEARING MATCHING TUXES. MCCONNAISSANCE AND HARRELSON ARE WEARING MATCHING TUXES. THE BROMANCE IS REAL AND FABULOUSLY DRESSED.
Margaret: There is an impressive level of bronzer on stage between Harrelson and McConnaissance. They’re so… burnished.
Anne Marie: Otterdict Bendandsnap wins Best Actor in a miniseries!
Margaret: Three cheers for Bendyditch Cucumberpatch! This ought to satisfy hordes of clamoring Tumblr users.
Anne Marie: Wait, Helena Bonham Carter played Liz Taylor? How did I miss that??
Anne Marie: I wanted Sarah Paulson to win because I LOVE HER and her dress is absolutely batshit crazy, but Jessica Lange is a great winner for AHS Coven and she won’t be on American Horror Story much longer, so I’m still wicked-ly happy (sorry).
Margaret: WEIRD AL IS HERE! AMERICA’S FAVORITE WEIRDLY EMBARRASSING UNCLE IS HERE!!
Margaret: This medley of theme songs is actually stealth brilliant. What better summation of Scandal is there than “Her lip is quivering/Her lip is quivering”
Anne Marie: Everybody and their mother does a Game of Thrones theme parody, but they can all stop now because Andy Samberg and Weird Al have won the theme parody game. (Seriously, please stop. It was old in Season 1.)
Anne Marie: Write them faster / Write them faster / Write them faster / Write them faster
Margaret: Andy Samberg just announced the impending presence of Lena Headey and Reader, Anne screamed.
Anne Marie: AHHHHHH SHE’S PERFECT LENA HEADEY IS THE QUEEN *Kermit Dance*
Margaret: The Queen of Hearts, or rather, the Queen of the Hearts in Anne’s eyes right now…
Anne Marie: Fargo wins, proving that good fan fiction WILL lead to a lucrative career.
Anne Marie: The Normal Heart wins and Larry Kramer is actually here, which makes it the first genuine feel good moment of the night.
Margaret: A moment of genuine feeling and sincerity in the middle of what’s currently feeling like a very pointless awards show. Good on Ryan Murphy for a beautiful, touching, and actually substantive speech.
Margaret: Ricky Gervais, please cease your bellyaching. Nobody who has won two Emmys gets to complain about being always a bridesmaid.
Anne Marie: Best Writing For A Variety Special goes to Sarah Silverman who miiiiiight be trashed but ran up to the stage barefoot so that was lovely.
Margaret: HOW, HOW, H O W ARE WE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE SHOW? Who alive has the stamina for this?
Anne Marie: We need more wine and ice cream. Does anybody deliver wine and ice cream in Los Angeles?
Anne Marie: Best Directing in a comedy series goes to The Tonys director who’s also directing the Emmys which is kinda fun. LOOK AT ALL THE SCREENS BEHIND HIM.
Anne Marie: Colbert Report wins which is not surprising but is mostly deserved. I guess that sums up everything but the Comedy wins this year.
Margaret: Gotta give him those Emmys now, before he defects to network TV and the Colbert Report is no more.
Margaret: Annnd we’re going to skip right on through the speech by the CEO of the Television Academy, because such is the formidable power of the DVR. Blessed be.
Anne Marie: Aaron Paul wins for Breaking Bad! <Insert “Bitch” joke here>
Margaret: Aaron Paul has three Emmys and he met his wife at Coachella. These facts are not related but, in proximity, they amuse me.
Anne Marie: The long pause has been Margaret and I processing the In Memorium. Nothing to say except this is hard to watch.
Anne Marie: Couldn’t ask for a better person to memorialize Robin Williams than Billy Crystal. That was beautiful.
Anne Marie: Kary Joji Fukinaga wins for Best Directing and best braids for True Detective.
Margaret: Cary Fukunaga directed the best of very, very many film adaptations of Jane Eyre, and while I have not watched True Detective I think for those gleaming man-braids alone he deserves an Emmy.
Anne Marie: Anna Gunn and her FABULOUS dress win for Breaking Bad. Hopefully now the Skyler haters SHUT UP.
Margaret: Anna Gunn is a great actress and a whipsmart, accomplished woman, but also can we talk about how hot she looks holy wow.
Margaret: YAY JOE MORTON!!!! Not only is he one of the only two actors on Scandal who has any idea how to balance its breakneck veering between tones, he is wearing an insanely sharp tux. He has a beautiful, mellifluous voice. I want him to read me audiobooks.
Anne Marie: Breaking Bad wins and that’s the important part. Which episode? Doesn’t matter.
Anne Marie: Viola Davis walked onscreen and Margaret screamed like I did earlier!
Margaret: PLEASE WELCOME VIOLA DAVIS?? I’LL WELCOME VIOLA DAVIS!!!!! She’s presenting the category that hopefully she will be WINNING NEXT YEAR! Best Actress in a Drama and Best Face and Best Posture and Best Looking in Royal Blue.
Anne Marie: …while Margaret freaked out over Viola, Julianna Margulies won Best Actress in a drama.
Anne Marie: Margaret and I are getting really snarky and bored as we hit hour 3. This must have been even worse for folks who had to watch with commercial breaks.
Margaret: JULIA ROBERTS THIS CATEGORY IS NOT ABOUT YOU
Brian Cranston Errol Flynn wins for Breaking Bad.
Margaret: “Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s my honor to introduce: Jay Leno!” No, it’s not. It is not.
Margaret: Y’know, as we settled into this night with our bottle of wine and our skepticism, I was looking up Emmys drinking games. The most prescient of their rules was “If Modern Family wins best comedy, throw your bottle at the screen.” Funny (unlike Modern Family), because I am tempted to do just that.
Anne Marie: Modern Family winning ANYTHING over Orange is the New Black is some bull shit. That is shit to the bull. Never mind category fraud. OINTB is everything Modern Family pretends to be: heartfelt, with well-rounded characters, genuine laughs, and some subversive themes. Emmys, you done us wrong. #JusticeforJenji
Anne Marie: Breaking Bad wins which means next year is definitely Mad Men’s year. I’d have more to say about this, but I’m still livid about the Modern Family win.
Margaret: This was an instructive experience, at least to the extent of bringing me to a comprehensive understanding of why I never watch the damn Emmys. Another samey-samey-samey round of awarding, another few hours where isolated laughs were separated by oceans of industry prattle. Can’t wait to do it again next year!
Anne Marie: And with that we’re done! Wait, we’re done? The DVR recorded an extra hour! Whatever, I’m not looking a gift
horse awards show in the mouth. It’s over! Until the next live event (which will probably involve girls in green tights flying), good night!