It seemed like it was over. The beast had been cut off at its head with abrupt finality. Then, silence. But then whispers and rumors, half-hidden hints it might return. Dare I say, resurrected? This is not only a labored metaphor for We Recycle Movies’s hiatus over the past month and a half, it’s also the first 10 minutes of the unfortunate film “Halloween: Resurrection,” the 2002 sequel to the Halloween franchise that ranks second-lowest on the Rotten Tomato Meter with a whopping 11%. And it earns that rating. Fortunately, Gabe from Beer And A Movie was on hand to slash through (sorry) this terrible movie with me. So, let’s slice into it (sorry again).
Of all the psychotic slasher legends, Michael Meyers is the most mysterious. Jason unmasked is a disfigured child with mother issues (who looks unfortunately like Sloth from “The Goonies”) who kills teenagers for revenge. Leatherface is the product of poor parenting and excellent butchery training. Freddy’s got a bone to pick with the Elm Street PTA, Ghost Face wants Sid dead, and even Chucky has a backstory. But (ignoring the Rob Zombie films which I refuse to dignify with a review), we only know sparse details of Michael Meyers’s life or motivation. Originally billed only as “The Shape,” Michael Meyers is the embodiment of unflinching, impersonal death. Never unmasked, no motivations to explore or weaknesses to exploit. The audience never knows why he kills. He’s a deadly, anonymous force.
Of course, the trouble with this is that it’s nearly impossible to write a story around an unreasoning psychopath with no discernible emotion. Various films have dealt with this problem in different ways. The original “Halloween” did so with suspense. “Halloween H20” did so with character development through his sister, Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtiss). To be honest though, the rest are crap. One has a witch cult cursing Michael (like he needs *more* motivation to kill people?), a couple have psychics, and unfortunately one has Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, AND (the bane of the horror genre) found footage filmmaking. That film is “Halloween: Resurrection.”
The reason it has taken me until the fourth paragraph to actually talk about “Halloween: Resurrection” is because it’s so bad that it’s boring. The film feels like a slasher a hopeful new screenwriter wrote under a different title, then edited slightly to include Michael Meyers when they heard Miramax wanted another Halloween movie. (Incidentally, this is exactly how the second Saw film ws written. Halloween trivia for you.) Found footage horror films were already overdone by 2002 thanks to the wealth of “Blair Witch Project” wannabes that flooded the market after 1999. But “Halloween: Resurrection” takes place on the internet! Because it’s a twist! It’s an internet reality show! Get it? No? Neither did I. Strapping cameras to the actors did nothing but further emphasize how poor the acting was.
And oh how poor it was indeed. Jamie Lee Curtis had the sense to know how bad the film was going to be and made sure to die in the first 15 minutes, leaving the audience to suffer through the next two hours of characters so forgettable that I gave them nicknames to keep them straight: “Slutty Redhead,” “Asshole In A Jacket,” “Hero Girl” “Dead By The Third Act Black Dude,” and “Why Starbuck Why?” Yes folks, Katee Sackhoff, beloved geek icon Starbuck Thrace from “Battlestar Gallactica,” is in this film. And she’s terrible. So say we all.
I’m basically out of things to say about this movie. It’s utterly forgettable.
Gabe knows more about beer than I do, so I’ll let him tell you about the beers. (Although for a beer expert I have to say he chose some pretty forgettable ones. “Forgettable Halloween,” theme of the night? Good thing there was good company!) Check out his (much funnier) review of the film here! And look for more BAAM/WRM crossovers in the future!
Unfortunately, WRM is going back on hiatus until mid-November. I promise to return (resurrect?) this blog to its former glory. Until then, Happy Halloween!